I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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