we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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