If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
