When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.