you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
