Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
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alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
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I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.