she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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