worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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