So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
