I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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