I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
