this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
