Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
