I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
