The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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