I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
