I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
