woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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