New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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