there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
