If i come over, it means nothing
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
