just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
