she woke up with a sticky ear
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
