Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
