why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
