Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
