You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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