I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
