Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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