it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
