Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
