I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
