We're like a lot better than the average bears
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
