I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My bed smells like the plague
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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