My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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