I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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