Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
