started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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