Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
