She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
