I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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