It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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