i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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