I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
