there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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