Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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