My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
