I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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