If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
