I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
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Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
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Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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