During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
