I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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