I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
