I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
