My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
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john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
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You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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