her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Randomize
