If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
