So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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