My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
