I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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