So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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