I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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