Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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