I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
